It would be easy to quit now. It would be easy to shut the door. I ask myself why God has chosen Ty and I for this journey. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't feel like I'm strong enough and it doesn't feel like I'm even good enough at this point. I'm tangled in this mess of confusion. I feel like quitting. I feel like telling myself this is not real and this is not going to happen so why bother? Am I numbing or protecting myself? For sure I am. Wouldn't you?

When a parent loses a child I can't even imagine the grief that one must experience as they travel that journey. It doesn't seem like a fair journey and one which shouldn't be placed on anyone. It doesn't seem like something that God should make anyone have to do. So why do we? What happens in this journey? The last thing that parent wants to hear is that it makes you stronger.

How do I grieve a child I've never met? How do I experience my feelings? The last thing I want to hear is that it makes me stronger, or that God has a plan. I realize there is no comparison and you can't say it's the same thing, I understand that. But everyone has feelings connected to different events. Those foundations of feelings (happy, sad, angry, scared, worried) are the foundation of what makes us human and binds us together because we all have feelings.

I'm feeling.

I'm experiencing.

I'm journeying.

I don't like this journey.

I want to quit travelling it.

But what does that make me if I give up? What does it do to me? What does it do to my family? What does it do for this baby?

How can miracles actually happen? Why would they happen for me and not for someone with a dieing child?  I don't understand the plan and therefore I think it's ok for me to not always like it. Whether it's my story or my feelings or someone else's story and feelings. It's not always a lovely journey. It's difficult and it's hurtful. It's anxiety building and stressful.

Vapor

Today I am grateful for

1. The undeniable trust that I am establishing with God

2. My little girl waking up and getting ready with no issues but being in a very happy and content mood

3. Being able to share with my husband like no one else on this earth and having him be there for me in a way no one else can. Just sitting listening and holding me.

4. That the pain that I'm feeling now will be able to end. That this is the type of ache that doesn't last forever and that miracles can still happen.

5. That our family is  yet to be complete and that there are many more moments and memories that I have yet to build with my family and that I can forever hold on and embrace those moments.

This has all got me thinking about the vapor.

I am trying to embrace the moment instead of hating the moment. I am trying to stay in the here and the now instead of focusing on the what ifs. This summer as I vacationed with my family I tried to embrace every moment I had. I avoided sticking a camera in front of my face so that I could brag and post pictures about stuff that either no one else cares about or about things that don't really matter, or about things that would make others feel bad about where they were in life.

When you are going through something difficult, I always find one of the most challenging things is to not bring other people down with you, and then to see that other people are just "fine". I recluse myself when I'm facing something difficult. Yes I do, but it's not that I can't trust anyone else, it's that I am just not good at putting a mask on. So I turn to the only others that can handle my low points God and my husband. They have both seen me at my worst, and will likely continue to be the only ones. But they also help me to embrace my moments. They help me to focus on what is important. They help me realize that God and my family are really the only things that matter to me and that everything else is essentially meaningless. God brings meaning to this life. He "brings this world to life". But focusing on the little opportunities and the little moments in my life I embrace that each moment is important but at the same time it is only a speck of dust in this thing we call life and earth.

I don't know why we go through these challenges. The world is a mean place. Is God trying to teach us something? Is he trying to have us embrace the moments? Is he trying to have us realize how meaningless it is in the big picture? Is he trying to teach me to trust?

No one really gets what we are going through. But our moments in life are not going to last forever. So perhaps I need to learn from this moment. Maybe learning from this speck of dust will help me become a better person, maybe it will help me become more patient. Maybe it will help me be more determined or have more perseverance. Maybe I will be better able to help my children as I face my adversity. Maybe this will help me in the future, but I need to remember that all this moment is right now is a flick on the end of my nail.

"In Limbo"

I read a post last night that inspired me to write today's blog and perhaps it will inspire you to write something for yourself.

The challenge was that while you are "in limbo" which my life absolutely feels like right now, to write down 5 things a day that you are grateful for. For me this challenge I don't want to include the typical things such as family, freedom, breath, but I want to dig deeper and challenge myself to notice the daily things that I am grateful for. The things that you only notice when you are living in the here and now.

So here I begin today as I'm journeying now and feels like my life is in limbo there are still things that I can be grateful for:

Today I am grateful for:

1. my ability to stay calm in a stressful parenting situation

2. the knowledge that I have been given in order to help someone else out with their parenting skills and abilities

3. the loving caring patient supportive husband that I have that is able to deal with my daily chaos and help me through it even if it's just through little notes that we write back and forth between our offices.

4. that I am not alone

5. that despite how dreadful limbo is, that I can help remind myself why it is important to wait, and why it is important to continue moving forward despite the challenges.

First memories

I remember when I was single. I waited for my love to come. I felt so lonely. I felt like there was a piece of me missing. I prayed long and hard for the right person to be sent my way and that I vowed to wait for him no matter what it took. I sit here praying for the same except this time my love is somewhere out there and I've seen his tiny hands and his tiny face. I feel so lonely without him. And I'm allowed to feel sad that I am missing out on time with him. But I'm praying that I'm still there for his first step and his first words and his first solid food. I pray that I can be his mommy soon.

I am a drinking Christian....

As I sat around a crew of people in local pub, with no pressure and with complete ease the conversation of church and God flowed easily from our mouths. It is not too often that I feel this comfortable and talk with this much comfort, and it's not too often that these conversations come up so naturally where I actually get to state what I believe and where I am coming from. Some may argue that "oh Amanda, it was probably a buzz"...but I wholeheartedly disagree. I get to ask them what they believe, why they don't go to church or why they do, and what they would look for in a safe church to express themselves if they ever had this opportunity in such a small community. This conversation will sit with me for several days. I will not let it go.

We conversed about judgement, and beliefs, evolution, science, other religions, the relevance of the Bible and the question of how is there a God when so much bad happens, and why do they should go to church, but yet how they can't help but feel there is a God watching over them in those bad times. Stuff I don't always have the answer to myself but I am able to hear them and they are able to hear me as I use my experience as examples because the walls of judgement have come down. Perhaps you don't agree with my methods, but I believe my methods work for me and for those that are around me. In moments and opportunities like this it becomes easier to believe and it's a presence of God that I feel that I don't feel in many other opportunities in my life. It is that mustard seed that I pray is being planted in their hearts as well.

Matthew 17:2020 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.Nothing will be impossible for you.”

The others tell me about how they are shocked to see me out with them. Yet my words are still positive and my attitude remains positive, and I am still in control of my choices but I feel like they see how they can share with me. If we can't meet others where they are at, then we may never be able to support them in where they can go.  And then I ask them what is their perception of the typical "christian"?  I think on my own about the fact that perhaps I am different but I am human and I am a spiritual being but I believe this opportunity was in front of me to share the depth of my belief and why I believe it and it's an opportunity that may not have come up otherwise. 

As I sit the next morning, I may be tired and exhausted from the extent of extroversion that I placed myself in, but I am focused on God's purpose for me. I wonder if God placed me there for a reason. I wonder if that was the point for me being in that place and time.

As this song comes on overhead I have a God experience again of seeing God through others eyes and again am further able to relate. This song spoke to me in a particular way that I can not only understand others but myself more and I understood why I believe the way I do, and why many others have such a hard time believing. In these moments of exploring my faith with others I feel more alive and I feel my belief growing. When I am alone and keeping my faith to myself it sometimes feels like it is easier to get filled with doubt.

So open up my eyes
Tell me I'm alive
This is never gonna go our way
If I'm gonna have to guess what's on your mind

I don't even know if I believe
I don't even know if I believe
I don't even know if I believe
Everything you're trying to say to me  - Mumford and Sons

I often look in front of me to see my little girl, to see my marriage and to see my life and the hurting and lost people then I become eternally grateful to my God above. And then I simply pray for his grace. Somehow through all the noise, even in a busy, bombarded pub, I can still see him. That's what I pray for in being there, that through all the noise God can use me to help someone see who God really is. I don't know how things always turn out but I hope that because of that one conversation it opens up the opportunity for more.

Believing in God is one thing, but then embracing God and embracing the community of God is a whole other experience. Loving God and Loving others and feeling loved
is the purpose of why I continue to do what I do.

Journey into Holy Week

After three months of attending an Anglican church, I have began reflecting on so much more then I ever thought was possible. I've often reflected on how I now recognize how I don't need fancy music or fancy lights, or big "shows" and big emotions in order to worship. It's not that I ever thought these things were negative things, and for many people it is important. But then I began asking myself what would happen if I took all those things away? Would I still worship God in the same way? Would I still be genuine in my servant hood? And would I still want to continue to seek and to serve?

This was a whole new level of my journey.

This took me to a whole new place.

This journey took me to a whole new spiritual life.

Today I sat for Palm Sunday and as I turned to the back of the church to listen to the gospel being read and for the procession of the branches to begin, I realized that my mind, my heart and my eyes have all been opened to a new spiritual journey. If you would have asked me a few months ago when the last day of lent was and what was the beginning and then again what was the significance, there was no way I could have expressed it. Then comes Holy Week which I am sure I never thought about before these past couple of months.

In the past few weeks the church has been preparing for Holy Week which in the Christian church should really be considered the height of our belief, but yet, here I was. After growing up and experiencing the Christian church for so many years I have never once experienced Holy week to this degree...and I certainly never called it Holy Week.

I reflected on Palm Sunday's in my past and as I did I thought about one particular Sunday when I was a child, where the pastor had all the children held branches on the way in, with probably some type of music playing in the background as we so gently waved our palms up and down and everyone watched thinking how cute those little wee children are. Then we laid them down up front and that was the end of it. That's all I remember from Palm Sunday. Today I reflected on that and more. I am thankful for those past moments in my life in which I can carry forward on my journey, but I am expectant of what is to come for this so called Holy Week and many other new experiences.

The beauty of celebrating each night with something different leading up to the climax of the gospel story is astounding to me. Spending Good Friday in three hours worth of service just to commemorate the crucifixion and then celebrating on Easter Sunday in different ways, seems to bring this whole gospel to a whole new level. It brings it to a new type of celebration rather then just another day. And shouldn't that be in fact what it is... A CELEBRATION!

My heart stirs with change. I think being somewhere and experiencing something the same way again and again for some many years causes many people to become complacent and it appears ordinary and the same thing every year. And perhaps I will be more familiar with the holy week activities more so next year, but as for this year, I am moved, I am challenged and I am perplexed as to the effort and the celebration that goes into this.

So...what am I saying? Change...it's not as scary as one may think. Sometimes our faith shifting can bring more revelation and more reflection and more celebration to our faith then we ever thought was possible. This change has created a spark in me. It has caused me to become excited about my faith again. It has challenged me to think differently about who I am in Christ. It has challenged me to think differently about the Easter gospel celebration.

Perhaps you have been in the same place? I was scared of shifting before. But now I realize how this faith shifting has stirred something new in me. Allow God to lead you to new places and on a different journey. It's how we grow and expand.

I know not everyone will feel the same way about their faith. But here I am. I needed to have a shift in order to reevaluate and to cut down the old tree and replant a new one. It grows the same way, it is the same species but it is a little fresher and a little more vibrant. It's a little more thirsty because it wants to grow all over again, maybe even a little stronger and a little wiser this time. 

My #1 Parenting lesson

I'm a family counsellor. I teach people everyday about working on different parenting strategies and how to deal with behavior difficulties and challenges. I work with the families in hopes that they will reach a much more peaceful environment in their home.  I work with children individually in my office on a daily basis about working through their feelings, how to manage their big emotions, and what to do instead of acting out. So it seemed natural to me to become a parent right?

Well I've learned a big thing in the past 4 months..there's information overload out there!!!! And some of the text just does not meet your situation. Well what do you do when this happens....? Well my child is so this....? This does not apply to me because we are....??? There are always several blanks to be filled in. Then also that there is a counter thought to everything...some say Time Outs...some say NO time outs! Some say ignore..some say act immediately. It's almost like no one really knows what they are doing and just speculating on everything.

I frequently get asked...."do you have children Amanda?". I try not to get upset by this because I know the information I give people is based on research and results have been proven, but I now see that living out those things in every day life can be hard, and sometimes this whole parenting deal is trial and error. That frightens me to death. How do you know that you are doing the right thing? How do you know that the results of all this hard work are going to pay off?

Honestly, all those things that I teach people on a daily basis about parenting, and all those things I research...I do try to follow through with. I do know that the majority of them work (maybe with some tweaking to your particular situation). But honestly...there will be those days when you forget all about what the textbook tells you because it just doesn't seem to be working.

So if I was to give advice to a newer parent such as myself...I would say just keep trying. Don't ignore the information out there, but don't get down on yourself when you don't follow it to a tee!! There are gonna be days when we make mistakes, and you might have to ask for forgiveness. There are gonna be days when you react rather then respond to a situation. Does that mean your a bad parent??? Dear goodness I hope not, cause if that's the case I'm also a bad therapist and I've just lost all my clientele.

Rest easy knowing that you love your child and that you are trying your best each and every day, and just learn and remember to have fun and embrace the joyous moments. Don't take everything so serious and let loose. Use your inner child to connect with your child. I find it's the best way we can relate to them.

The unending journey

Well as most of you probably are aware, our little girl came home!!! And it's been a miracle ever since. The summer has been crazy with trying to settle her in as well as us trying to adjust to the excitement and the exhaustion of having  two and a half year old in our house. After 6 years of marriage, we understood that our house would feel totally different with a child but nothing like what we have been experiencing.

The past 4 months have flown by and the intensity of what we have been through is unreal. There have been highs and lows. Some of our expectations were met, and then others proved to be a little more difficult then we had anticipated. The initiation into parenthood for us has been a huge exciting ride and I'm sure there will be more to come.

Now after 4 months I sit in front of my laptop not feeling completely exhausted to the point that I can't even imagine thinking. We are in a wonderful routine in our lives and everyone including her appears to have adjusted....it's not that every day doesn't take some prayer, but like I said...apparently (based on what I hear from others) that's what the parent life is like.

I believe Ty and I are going to learn some lessons along the way and I know that every day I feel like we get better at this. So I still want to continue taking you on our journey even if it looks a little bit different then it has been in the past. I suppose that's the ride of life that we are all on.

So...from this point I will attempt to share with you (through likely several blog posts) our little life lessons that I hope may be applicable to you in someway. Today I share with you the biggest lesson that we learned (well I should say that we RE-learned) was that God is bigger then everything and he is constantly in control. The little miracles that we experienced as our little girl journeyed home are unreal. It has been  roller coaster and at times I doubted his strength, but when I saw things come together in ways that no man could control I realized that you know what....there's something so much bigger at work here. There's nothing that can stand in our way when we have people surrounding us in prayer and support. Everything from financial to practical, to paperwork being completed. It would only make sense for me to share with you in person. I know that there were things that I couldn't control, and being a control freak that's a little difficult for me. But here it was, completely surrendered to God, and he took care of us all in ways we could not imagine.

So to all my wonderful readers...whoever you are (Hi Mom!), I'm here to share the evidence of our little miracle that we have been through in the past couple of months, and what better way to do that then show you visually.