I was always labeled from a very young age as "shy". I hated it, I still hate it, but often not sure why I hate it so much. It's probably because I have a longing for deep connections..I want to push myself, and I want to talk to people. I enjoy people, and I love getting to know someone, but I have a dilemma..which is actually a strength in many areas: my introverted personality.
There are certain things as an introvert that I hate to hear:
1. Just overcome it...
2. Push yourself
3. It's good for you to be around people
4. You need to just do it and step outside your comfort zone...
5. Just be confident and be yourself..of course people will like you...
I think those type of comments always come from an extrovert. So when I can't just do those things I feel as if I have failed. I feel guilty because when I'm not talking I must appear as not a very nice person. Why can't I just be comfortable in my introverted skin? Why can't I just be allowed to be introverted and respected because of it? You might understand that feeling. Always feeling exhausted because you have to push yourself beyond your limits, always feeling like people are judging you because you are horrible at small talk, or feeling like you are coming across to a person as not being open or talkative..or worst of all SHY..because you haven't come into a party trying to be the center of attention.
The thing about an introvert is that they crave community, and they crave intimate times (just ike a real person..imagine that). Feeling rejuvenated for an introvert comes from an intimate close conversation or time alone to think or write, or just spending time sitting silently with someone who understands you. Believe it or not, I'm one of the loud ones when I'm around the right people. Those friends that have known me for a long time have a hard time even seeing me as an introvert. But that's what I need. I need to be comfortable with people...but not a lot of people. I'd rather be with one person the rest of my life that I felt completely comfortable with rather then 30 people that I can only know limited things about.
As a counsellor, I listen to people. I give them time to talk to me. For some clients they don't need much time, they already know what they want to tell me, and for others they aren't even exactly sure why they are there. That's ok. I respect that. Sometimes I sit in silence with that person, just waiting until they can talk. Sometimes I explore other ways of communicating to me through art, or email, or music. The introverted person needs time. They need someone to understand them. They need to feel safe, and they need to feel accepted for who they are. So if they are not coming right out and sharing all their emotional thoughts, if they don't cry at sad stories, if they don't show up to all the parties that you invited them to it's not because they don't trust you, it's not because they are insensitive and it's not because they are antisocial.
So here's my thought that I'm struggling with: Churches seem to be meant for the extroverted personalities. Where does the introverted Christian belong? How does the introverted Christian find a place?
Get me in front of a crowd to lead worship, and it's like no one else is in the room but me and God. Get me around a bunch of youth and tell me to lead the night...to that I say "bring it".
But ask me to socialize around the coffee table, or hang out after church in a big group of people, or the ever hated turn around and shake hands for 5 minutes during the middle of a service, I cringe and my whole body will tighten up in dislike (that's what counsellors may even refer to as anxiety). If we expect the introverted person to make a connection during those 5 or 10 minutes we are expecting way too much of that personality. It's a personality trait that I have had since I was young and to change that in a blink of 10 minutes is like asking someone to erase everything they know and understand.
So how can the church represent and work with these introverted personalities? How can us introverted find our place in the church? How can we connect with people in ways that we feel comfortable doing?
Well I'm going to begin reading a book on this very topic, and will be anxious to share some more thoughts after reading it, but also would like to find out what your thoughts are on this. Please share. :)
