Searching for my song

So I posted on my facebook status this morning that I was feeling lonesome but don't know for what. At first I thought it must be my family, and yes of course I do miss them but I really miss them all the time, not just sometimes. It's like something has been missing. So then I went to the house/ Moncton city life maybe??? Was that it, is that what I could be missing.

But then just a couple of hours ago it struck me, all day (once I was done my ritual Saturday cleaning of course) I was sitting on this computer or watching some TV just wasting away so much good quality time. Quality time that I could be using for so much more.

To back up what I said in my last post, I have been wondering about myself. Since moving to a new province, having no connection here whatsoever and meeting all new people I've been learning about myself, and wondering what Ty and I are to be doing here. We both know that our only purpose in moving here was certainly not to just get a job. We had no idea about what type of a "boom" town we were moving into until we were only a month away from coming here. But here we are, all settled into our house, with electricity and water, and now it's just life as normal. An opportunity for me to be doing and thinking about so much more.

So it hit me, as I stared into mirror..when was the last time I picked up my guitar and started playing and singing? or even writing? Since I was around 10 years old music has been a huge part of my life, so now I'm in a career, and feel somewhat settled should I abandon it. Music is a part of me. I remember when I would put on "concerts" for my parents and bang on that guitar like I was the best thing around making up words as I went along and singing at the top of my lungs like the whole world really wanted to hear me sing.

When we left Moncton, a great fella from our church asked Ty and I if we had any You Tube videos or anything..I laughed..quite a bit...I am past the point of wanting to be a rock star, but it certainly was flattering.

I remember the first time I sung in church, and I remember the first time I picked up the guitar and actually learned my first chord, and I can still play the first song that I ever wrote...a typical D C and G type song. I remember the first time I lead worship with a real band, and then I remember my first "real" band FLUFFO as we called ourselves. But as I sit here today I realize that somewhere along this journey I stopped picking up the guitar and just playing for fun, playing just to worship on my own time, and playing just cause I love the feel of that music coming from the guitar hitting every corner of my being. Music for me has been a language between God and I. It's more then singing and playing other people's songs, but it's about communicating with God on a whole new level.

I think somewhere in that sound is my many songs to God. Perhaps this is why I have felt lonesome cause I'm missing out on that communication with the one that matters most in my life. For so long I was leading worship every Sunday and playing my guitar every chance I had, so now that I'm on "sabbatical" I suppose you could say, I'm missing prime opportunities to make it about just God and I singing together writing beautiful songs. Even if it's not anything I record or anything I sing in church, it's about the communication.

I believe that everyone has a communication with God in their own way. I believe it is with that communication that we not only get to know God better but we get to know ourselves. So maybe that's what I've been missing, and maybe that's how I can go back to who I really am and not feel ashamed of it. The world can clouds our thoughts, and distract us from things that really give us confidence and the knowledge of who God has genuinely created us to be. As we get distracted with careers and bills, and friends and family and being accepted and gossip and whatever else there might be perhaps if we just start communicating clearly again in our proper language we can find who we really are, or at least begin the search over again.

Just to add....

Just read an awesome quote from someone I don't know, but quoted by an amazing person in my life that I thought was really intriguing...

"It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you are not"

Just an added thought I suppose......

Lost in comparisons

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/culture/tech/blog/28333-do-you-need-a-qpinterventionq

READ THIS LINK FIRST!

Well I've had a heavy day, and then I read this...wow...I wouldn't have thought that it's precisely where I'm at but just starting to realize it. I wanted to share this article because I think that it's something that many women especially may find it difficult to say, but is so true. On our journey here to Labrador, I have had many eye opening experiences including fear of who I am, fear of not being liked, being seen as judgemental, being seen as a newby, or childish and other noted things that probably not the first woman to feel insecure about...

So as much as I enjoy and love the new pinterest addiction that I have, I'm wondering if it is taking me off who I really am. Am I an artist??? Even though I certainly did try a nice new art project today (referenced by Pinterest), or am I a cook?? or am I actually organized??? or am I really simply trying to live up to what a woman of my age "should" be. 

I have never really known if I ever wanted children. (Even before I met my husband). I have always had a heart for the lost who have no homes, fostering or adopting. Any time I would hear one of those stories I would tear up, but even that right now frightens me, and I wonder if I ever really want to be a mother or mother figure..I have a hard enough time being a wife... But here I am 28 years old, and I'm still trying to figure it all out. And trying not to feel the pressure of the world of what I "should" do.  I know that I LOVE music, I love worshipping, and I love funky things that everyone probably looks at me and thinks...Amanda?? umm...maybe you shouldn't be wearing that, or doing that... or painting that??? etc...etc....

I met a woman last week who would speak her mind no matter what..didn't care what anyone thought. She said she didn't care to chat about the "little" things, but the only things she was interested in was to sit with someone "drink, smoke and talk about relationships" she said as she laughed with not a care in the world. Ok, no that's not who I am, but I did like how she knew what she wanted and what she wanted to do. But don't get me wrong, I think this same woman took a long time to get there. 

I've always wanted to help young girls who are struggling with who they are, struggling with what God wants for their lives, struggling with relationships, or their self esteem, stuff like that, but I'm not sure if I can do it until I know who I am, and not needing to compare myself to those around me.

 I just don't want to "fit" in. I want to not feel the need to compare, conform, or to adapt. I want to feel secure in what and who I am, and I want to take interest in what other women do, but not feel the need to do it the "exact" same way...I want my creativity and my individuality to speak for itself.