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I'm on an adventure to live my dreams. As I go on this journey I may be inspired to write, to cook, to craft, to travel more, whatever it is, I'm enjoying it as I'm lead there.

Monday 28 September 2015

It would be easy to quit now. It would be easy to shut the door. I ask myself why God has chosen Ty and I for this journey. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't feel like I'm strong enough and it doesn't feel like I'm even good enough at this point. I'm tangled in this mess of confusion. I feel like quitting. I feel like telling myself this is not real and this is not going to happen so why bother? Am I numbing or protecting myself? For sure I am. Wouldn't you?

When a parent loses a child I can't even imagine the grief that one must experience as they travel that journey. It doesn't seem like a fair journey and one which shouldn't be placed on anyone. It doesn't seem like something that God should make anyone have to do. So why do we? What happens in this journey? The last thing that parent wants to hear is that it makes you stronger.

How do I grieve a child I've never met? How do I experience my feelings? The last thing I want to hear is that it makes me stronger, or that God has a plan. I realize there is no comparison and you can't say it's the same thing, I understand that. But everyone has feelings connected to different events. Those foundations of feelings (happy, sad, angry, scared, worried) are the foundation of what makes us human and binds us together because we all have feelings.

I'm feeling.

I'm experiencing.

I'm journeying.

I don't like this journey.

I want to quit travelling it.

But what does that make me if I give up? What does it do to me? What does it do to my family? What does it do for this baby?

How can miracles actually happen? Why would they happen for me and not for someone with a dieing child?  I don't understand the plan and therefore I think it's ok for me to not always like it. Whether it's my story or my feelings or someone else's story and feelings. It's not always a lovely journey. It's difficult and it's hurtful. It's anxiety building and stressful.

Thursday 17 September 2015

Vapor

Today I am grateful for

1. The undeniable trust that I am establishing with God

2. My little girl waking up and getting ready with no issues but being in a very happy and content mood

3. Being able to share with my husband like no one else on this earth and having him be there for me in a way no one else can. Just sitting listening and holding me.

4. That the pain that I'm feeling now will be able to end. That this is the type of ache that doesn't last forever and that miracles can still happen.

5. That our family is  yet to be complete and that there are many more moments and memories that I have yet to build with my family and that I can forever hold on and embrace those moments.

This has all got me thinking about the vapor.




I am trying to embrace the moment instead of hating the moment. I am trying to stay in the here and the now instead of focusing on the what ifs. This summer as I vacationed with my family I tried to embrace every moment I had. I avoided sticking a camera in front of my face so that I could brag and post pictures about stuff that either no one else cares about or about things that don't really matter, or about things that would make others feel bad about where they were in life.

When you are going through something difficult, I always find one of the most challenging things is to not bring other people down with you, and then to see that other people are just "fine". I recluse myself when I'm facing something difficult. Yes I do, but it's not that I can't trust anyone else, it's that I am just not good at putting a mask on. So I turn to the only others that can handle my low points God and my husband. They have both seen me at my worst, and will likely continue to be the only ones. But they also help me to embrace my moments. They help me to focus on what is important. They help me realize that God and my family are really the only things that matter to me and that everything else is essentially meaningless. God brings meaning to this life. He "brings this world to life". But focusing on the little opportunities and the little moments in my life I embrace that each moment is important but at the same time it is only a speck of dust in this thing we call life and earth.

I don't know why we go through these challenges. The world is a mean place. Is God trying to teach us something? Is he trying to have us embrace the moments? Is he trying to have us realize how meaningless it is in the big picture? Is he trying to teach me to trust?

No one really gets what we are going through. But our moments in life are not going to last forever. So perhaps I need to learn from this moment. Maybe learning from this speck of dust will help me become a better person, maybe it will help me become more patient. Maybe it will help me be more determined or have more perseverance. Maybe I will be better able to help my children as I face my adversity. Maybe this will help me in the future, but I need to remember that all this moment is right now is a flick on the end of my nail.

Thursday 3 September 2015

"In Limbo"

I read a post last night that inspired me to write today's blog and perhaps it will inspire you to write something for yourself.

The challenge was that while you are "in limbo" which my life absolutely feels like right now, to write down 5 things a day that you are grateful for. For me this challenge I don't want to include the typical things such as family, freedom, breath, but I want to dig deeper and challenge myself to notice the daily things that I am grateful for. The things that you only notice when you are living in the here and now.

So here I begin today as I'm journeying now and feels like my life is in limbo there are still things that I can be grateful for:

Today I am grateful for:

1. my ability to stay calm in a stressful parenting situation

2. the knowledge that I have been given in order to help someone else out with their parenting skills and abilities

3. the loving caring patient supportive husband that I have that is able to deal with my daily chaos and help me through it even if it's just through little notes that we write back and forth between our offices.

4. that I am not alone

5. that despite how dreadful limbo is, that I can help remind myself why it is important to wait, and why it is important to continue moving forward despite the challenges.