It would be easy to quit now. It would be easy to shut the door. I ask myself why God has chosen Ty and I for this journey. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't feel like I'm strong enough and it doesn't feel like I'm even good enough at this point. I'm tangled in this mess of confusion. I feel like quitting. I feel like telling myself this is not real and this is not going to happen so why bother? Am I numbing or protecting myself? For sure I am. Wouldn't you?

When a parent loses a child I can't even imagine the grief that one must experience as they travel that journey. It doesn't seem like a fair journey and one which shouldn't be placed on anyone. It doesn't seem like something that God should make anyone have to do. So why do we? What happens in this journey? The last thing that parent wants to hear is that it makes you stronger.

How do I grieve a child I've never met? How do I experience my feelings? The last thing I want to hear is that it makes me stronger, or that God has a plan. I realize there is no comparison and you can't say it's the same thing, I understand that. But everyone has feelings connected to different events. Those foundations of feelings (happy, sad, angry, scared, worried) are the foundation of what makes us human and binds us together because we all have feelings.

I'm feeling.

I'm experiencing.

I'm journeying.

I don't like this journey.

I want to quit travelling it.

But what does that make me if I give up? What does it do to me? What does it do to my family? What does it do for this baby?

How can miracles actually happen? Why would they happen for me and not for someone with a dieing child?  I don't understand the plan and therefore I think it's ok for me to not always like it. Whether it's my story or my feelings or someone else's story and feelings. It's not always a lovely journey. It's difficult and it's hurtful. It's anxiety building and stressful.